Living With a Perfectionist

It can be very challenging living with a perfectionist, and of course much will depend upon the degree of their perfectionism and your own personality. But there is no doubt that being on the receiving end of their obsessions and their demanding behaviour can be very painful and contribute to a wide spectrum of interpersonal problems. In the end you may decide to end the relationship, but there are some strategies that might help bring about positive change. Most of the following suggestions are aimed at partners of perfectionists, however they will also be helpful if you have a perfectionist in your household or in your immediate family:

Don't become a slave to their perfectionism just because they want things done their way. For example if they are obsessive about tidiness and order it wouldn't be right for you to spend all your time trying to appease them to try and keep the peace. Instead offer to help, but don't allow things to get to the stage where you're doing all the work just to satisfy their demand for things to be done a certain way.

Don't take it personally. If you feel relentlessly criticised by your perfectionist, remember that their senses are so finely tuned that they would find fault with the most saintly of people. If they seem to always ignore or discount your ideas or opinions, remember they do truly fear being influenced or controlled by others. That means that they would behave in this way with anyone they were close to. I'm not suggesting you make endless excuses for bad behaviour, however remembering that it isn't about you can make their actions and comments a great deal less hurtful.

Avoid digging your heels in or acting defensively as this will only cause you to take up opposing positions and exacerbate the situation. Decide what you can tolerate (and perhaps choose to ignore) and what you can't put up with. Then focus on improving communication and understanding with regard to the latter specifically.

Your opinions are valid! Don't be tempted to agree with everything the other person says or deny your own personal values, opinions, likes and dislikes. Obsessives tend to spend their lives analysing what is the most logical or efficient course of action, but that still doesn't mean you should be bullied or shamed into going along with it. You're entitled to have your own ideas as to what's important, what's trivial, right or wrong. Think about it before you agree to do something you don't agree with - take time to think it over. You may of course decide to agree to it because you care for them, but don't feel obliged to ignore your own wishes and opinions just to keep the peace.

One thing you can do which can help considerably is to show you are trustworthy, reliable and consistent. Because perfectionists yearn for certainty and predictability, they tend to place a lot of importance on honesty and straight-talking. If you tend to be a 'people pleaser' and find it difficult to say what you want and need, this can be interpreted as indecisiveness or a weakness by a perfectionist. It would be well worth learning to be more assertive.

It's important to recognize when perfectionism becomes abusive. Although of course it would be ridiculous to suggest that all perfectionists become abusive, perfectionism can set the stage for abuse. If you feel compelled to bow to your partner's demands out of fear of retribution - physical or otherwise - then this isn't a healthy situation. A person who is a perfectionist does not have the right to impose his or her will on someone in an unhealthy way.

Focus on building your own self-esteem and independence. If you can nurture your own self-worth then you won't depend on positive feedback from anyone else. You are setting yourself up for a life of emotional turbulence if you rely on the approval or praise of a perfectionist, after all they are much better at expressing what's wrong, not what's right! They feel the need to keep their emotions in check in order to avoid feeling vulnerable, which is why they find it difficult to show positive feelings or appreciation.

Being needy or too dependent on a perfectionist is not a good idea - it will make them anxious and may lead to them withdrawing from you. They are more likely to remain close to you (and respect you) if you are involved in your own interests and not putting all your energy into your relationship with them. If you sense you are becoming too dependent then take steps to rediscover who you are, and strive to become a whole person, independent of any relationship. It may feel strange to start with, but fight any feelings of anxiety or isolation, and you have so much to gain. Never give the perfectionist the idea that your happiness depends entirely on reassurance from them - and make sure it doesn't!

Don't pressurise them. Any direct confrontation or effort to force the person to change will almost certainly end in failure. Instead it's more likely to encourage them to reassert their dominance and result in a power struggle. Of course, that doesn't mean you should silently tolerate the situation. Tell them clearly how you feel and your reasons for asking them to make changes. Rather than making judgemental or demanding statements such as "you must change", try "I would prefer you to do this because (give reason)".

Blaming and criticising will not help, and try to avoid exaggeration, 'always/never' or 'all or nothing' statements. Forget who's wrong or right, instead focus on being reasonable and looking for solutions. Remember that we can only control our own behaviour, but that when one person changes, it changes the dynamics of the relationship and encourages the other person to change too.

Appreciate and re-enforce positive changes. Show appreciation where appropriate (don't overdo it) and try to adopt a more light-hearted cheerful attitude. And even if you feel inclined to, don't deliberately withhold affection as a means of on-going punishment. Better to be up front about what's upset you and deal with it in an adult way.

This article is brought to you by PERSONALS.