When it comes to dating and relationships, I like to think of myself as a woman of wisdom. There is not a lot that I haven't seen (or done!) and I have made it my life's work to be an inspiration for women who are out there seeking help with their love lives. One of the biggest pieces of advice for women about men that comes straight from men themselves is for women to discover their "get over It gene."
What is a "get over it gene?" It is something we are all born with but most women just don't know how to use it to have the love life of their dreams. It is the ability, put bluntly, to just "get over it," or more kindly, to take stock of your circumstances, accept them, and move on with your life in a healthier direction. A woman of wisdom will learn to use it to her advantage instead of getting caught up in unhealthy situations and scenarios.
We, as women, are better communicators than men. It's pretty much a given. The problem with that is we also like to "talk it out" when we are angry and upset, which can lead to a lot of unhealthy and unproductive 'venting' thrown in the wrong direction. When you're directing at your guy, for whatever reason, not only is it not productive or helpful, it is likely to send him running in the opposite direction as fast as he can or clamming up and refusing to talk about what is wrong. Is that really what you want?
Here is a great example of how I helped one of my clients channel her "get over it gene":
My client - let's call her Mary - met a great guy and had a truly fantastic first date; lots of chemistry and attraction and they had a great time together. During the set up to the date they had spoken about what each of them was looking for; he was newly separated and wasn't looking for a committed relationship right away and she was dating other men as she was recently out of longterm relationship but to have some "fun and enjoy life". But sparks still flew for her and he was wooing her by the end of the night.
Very shortly after the date he told her he was going on a two weeks family trip that included his separated wife. It was a commitment he couldn't get out of and Mary had no problem to give him his space to do what he had to do - with no calls, texts, or emails. She felt secure in her feeling that he was into her and they would pick up where they had left off after his vacation. Sure enough, he got in touch with her after the two weeks but... (you knew it was coming) it wasn't to arrange another date. It was to let her know that his "almost but not quite" ex-wife had found out about his date and was giving him significant grief. He decided that, while he really liked Mary, he now wanted to be "just friends."
Being "friend-zoned" hurts at the best of times when there is a real spark and chemistry there, but for Mary, it was doubly hurtful because she thought they had really "talked it out" and that they each knew and were okay with what the other wanted.
She called me furious and hurt and ready to vent. She wanted to call him, email him, text him; let him know how much he had hurt her and to say "how dare you!" Her vent to me was about why would he even try to start dating when he was obviously emotionally unavailable? Why put her through that? "What a jerk!"
That was when I knew I had to stop her in her tracks with some tough love.
I asked her if she was really going to blast this man when all he did was tell her the truth? What was she hoping to accomplish by leaving angry, ranting messages on his machine? Did she really think he did this to her with forethought and purpose? Because really, how was he supposed to know what it would be like to date again after 7 years of marriage? He went into their date with good intentions but it obviously turned out to be more than he would handle emotionally at the time with his 'ex' giving him grief and he was just being honest by trying to explain to her in the first place.
In a nutshell, she had to JUST GET OVER IT!! She was obviously too attracted to him to ever be "just friends, " so she was going to have to let him go and that is exactly what she did in the end. She contacted him, let him know that although she was disappointed, she would love to hear from again when he was ready, and she left it at that. NO DRAMA, no rants, no raves, no dumping all of her frustration and anger and disappointment on him.
If we hope to be a woman of wisdom, the "get over it gene" is something we as women need to rediscover for ourselves. My advice to women about men is that some men may prove to be disappointments, and some may not have the best of intentions, but does that mean that we have to paint all men with the same brush? Being disappointed doesn't mean you get to play the victim and start the symphony of "Why me!" and "They're all the same." or "Men are stupid jerks". Pick yourself up, brush yourself off be an inspiration for women, and just GET OVER IT!
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