Monday, September 13, 2010

How I Created My Own Singleness - 24 Confessions of an EX-Single Black Woman

I was never a desperate woman, so let's make certain that is clear! And while we are clearing the air, I also wasn't unattractive, overweight, needy, or unintelligent. I had my own place, my own car, a very nice career, I took care of myself physically, dressed nicely, I was educated on many levels, had no children and to top it off-I grew up with my daddy in the house. I had no baggage. I was optimistic about the future and had no chip on my shoulder. I wasn't even loud or obnoxious. In my opinion, I had it going on. I was a great catch for a life-long partner!

So why was I consistently single? I just couldn't figure it out. I started to feel like Rose Lorkowski in the movie Sunshine Cleaning who stated,

"There's not a lot that I'm good at, but I'm good at getting guys to want me! Not date me, or marry me, but want me!"

I. Was. Super. Single! I was the queen of singleness-single life was what I knew. I knew everything about attracting and seducing men, but something just wasn't clicking in the whole commitment realm.

I knew that there had to be many women who could genuinely understand and relate to what it felt like. According to a recent Yale study, 42 percent of African-American women have yet to be married, compared to only 23 percent of white women. Even if no woman would confess it, the statistics spoke for themselves. They were loud and clear.

It would have been so simple to place the blame on everyone else, but deep down I knew it couldn't be everyone else that created this dilemma for me. And it was a personal dilemma of mine, because I didn't want to be single any longer. I wanted to be in a relationship that lasted. And then I came to this conclusion.

Warning: My conclusion will highly offend many women who don't prepare themselves for this message...

It wasn't the black church (or pastors for that matter), it wasn't society, friends, or even the alarming statistics of incarcerated, homosexual, unfaithful or unavailable men in the U.S. that worked against me!

At the end of the day, my being single was ultimately because-of-me!

These are my twenty-four confessions of how I contributed to my own singleness...Let's start with #24:

#24: Curse of Ego. I completed myself-and it showed in my words and actions. It is one thing to feel complete within, but I left no room available for a potential partner to feel "necessary" in my life. I supplied everything to me. I also consider this the Independent Woman Syndrome-the "I don't need a man to do anything for me," syndrome. Yes, that was me!

#23: Single Woman Decisions. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I sure didn't make decisions that aligned to those wants. No one could tell me what to do with my time, money, or space. I also didn't want anyone to tell me to change. I'd worked too hard to create me. No change was necessary, at least not for me.

#22: Birds of a Feather. I surrounded myself with women who were just like me. Just. Like. Me! So, when I would behave childishly, selfishly, and irresponsibly in my relationship, my "just like me" girlfriends would be there to help justify my behavior. Cause if they didn't, they couldn't justify theirs since we were so similar. It made sense to us. I didn't need a man anyway! And we always reminded each another of this. What are friends for, right?

#21: My Silent Beliefs. Deep down inside, I had two beliefs: (1) He is every man before him (i.e. all men end up being the same and (2) when a man's back is up against the wall, they will leave (mentally or physically). Both created self-fulfilling prophecies in my life.

#20: I Wanted Who Everyone Wanted For Me. I wanted who commercials told me I should want, who my mother, aunts and cousins wanted (for themselves...and) for me, who my girlfriends wanted (for themselves and) for me. It was no different than completing my degree. I did it because it was what everyone else expected of me. I had such potential in their eyes. Why let them down now?

#19: Advice Chasing. I would get advice from everyone about my relationship-especially my girlfriends. I would talk terribly about my guy to anyone who would listen. I spent more time talking to my friends than I did with my guy-and he was the one I felt wronged by. This also created more drama for my relationship. It's difficult to make a relationship work with someone that everyone else now despises.

#18: Making Assumptions. I've always had a type. A man was either, "my type," or "not my type." There was no in between and typically my decision was made before getting to know him. In other words, "my type" had everything to do with what I could see. Anything that I couldn't see-I assumed. What does that mean anyway..."he's not my type."

#17: Playing the Game. I became very good at the hunt and chase. I kept looking for those men who wanted to play games right along with me. It was attractive, it was seductive, it was a rush of adrenaline-for the two months it lasted. What I didn't know is that you can't make someone serious, when they came to play games.

#16: Planning for Life. I planned for a relationship the way in which I planned my life. I actually wrote down the year I was going to be married and the year I was going to have children. This caused me to move faster. Stopping to smell the roses was a quote that was not meant for me. I was on a mission. I had a plan. Taking something (such as a relationship) day to day was not for me. I couldn't just let a relationship happen. No matter how often suggested to me, I couldn't relax. I had to know up-front where the relationship was headed.

#15: Expecting Him To Know. I was always disappointed when I realized that my guy wasn't a mind reader. He couldn't read my mind to know what I wanted and needed. I would become very angry at the thought of him not knowing when I was upset, needed comfort, needed attention, or anything else. In my eyes, if he didn't just know, he was plain insensitive. Oh, and I told him that too!

#14: The Back-Up Plan. There was always a plan B. I spent so much time planning plan B (or my escape route or back up relationship) that I didn't have enough time or attention to devote to my plan A. I would always have another man on standby to comfort me, help me gain clarity...heal me. This other man was always my escape route. I couldn't imagine feeling the break-up and healing alone. That was unheard of...

#13: I Craved Attention. When in a relationship, I wanted my man to be able to provide all of the attention that I was giving up from all other men...Period! Not only was this unhealthy, but also unrealistic to believe could happen...but for some reason, I gave every guy this responsibility. When he didn't live up to it-I had to get it elsewhere.

#12: I Sought Temporary Pleasures. The fine dining, fast cars, expensive lifestyles, fast talkers, smooth talkers, great dressers, pretty smiles, lovely physiques, etc. I wanted ALL of it. As his lady, I wanted to outshine what everyone else had. So, I would become mesmerized when someone approached me that had what I was seeking. What I didn't realize is not one of those qualities would guarantee that he wanted to be in a long term and loyal relationship with me.

#11: I Wasn't Ready. A man who's interested in a one-night stand is different from a man who's interested in a relationship, is different from a man who's interested in getting married. The higher the level of commitment with him-the higher the level of expectations from him. How dare he ask me to cut off any man I used to date before him? How dare he ask me to change my flirtatious ways when I'm clearly not cheating. How dare he....how dare he. (In reality...how dare I. Isn't this what I wanted?)

#10: Never Satisfied. My relationship had to be a certain way! It had to be the way that I thought it should look like-the way I learned from the movies, music videos, and magazines. And when my relationship didn't resemble what I had imagined, I would always think that something was wrong. I would always argue that something was wrong. I was living with an unrealistic mentality that I imposed on him and ultimately he could never possibly live up to. I would push and push until he (and we) became what I wanted the relationship to look like.

#09: Non-Deserving by Design. I eventually began to believe that a good relationship was NOT meant for me. Good men seemed to be deserving of everyone else and not of me. So I began accepting what I had become accustomed to. I had given up on anything more.

#08: Trustworthiness-A Sad Ignorance. I wasn't truthful, I didn't volunteer information, and I wasn't consistent. As a matter of fact, I was known for being sneaky. In my mind, the whole truth about any one thing creates hurt and in the end I'd just end up being resentful that I ever opened my mouth-especially about my past. And that was a motto that I stood by...not only with men, but with all relationships. Everything was on a need to know basis. Mostly, he didn't need to know-at least until he somehow found out.

#07: I Was Selfish. I was told that I was selfish on several occasions, but I always thought that it was said in the heat of an argument. I didn't think they really meant it. Truth be told, I was pretty selfish! I didn't have a lot of regard for others and I was usually concerned with myself. I wanted my way. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about what was best for the relationship. I didn't spend time thinking about what my guy was really trying to say when he would tell me no to a request, suggestion, or expectation. Did he know who I was? Truthfully, did I?

#06: Drowning Arguments. I was argumentative, naturally. I was really, really good at making a point, snapping back with sarcastic replies and debating any concept all through the night into the next morning. I could exhaust a man. I truly missed my calling as a lawyer. Ultimately, I spoke so boldly and confidently about my needs and satisfactions that I never heard his...unless it aligned with mine.

#05: Forced Compatibility. I was so keen on getting WHO I wanted that I would get a man first and then try my best to force him to be compatible with me at a deeper level. It doesn't work that way. I can't make someone be who I want them to be. I need to first seek compatibility.

#04: My Love Language. How did I need him to demonstrate love to me? What actions was I seeking from him? I didn't even know. What did I need from him to confirm that he was genuinely involved with me and that he was looking for a future with me? I had no clue! It wasn't enough for him to say the words, and it wasn't enough in the way he was currently showing me. I had to figure that out for myself.

#03: I Created a List. He had to be a package. The man in my life had to have all 100 qualities in order to be considered perfect for me. If he didn't have all of the qualities on my list he didn't deserve my time. That cleared up my schedule pretty quickly.

#02: Self-Pressure. I call this the soul-mate syndrome. Like so many, I believed that there was only one person on earth for me. So, if I wasn't pushing away good potential guys, I was griping with life those that I thought were my soul-mate. I was bargaining with God to allow someone to be my soul-mate. The soul-mate syndrome created so much pressure for me. The thought of their ONLY being one perfect person to share your life with is unrealistic. We are all connected at the level of the soul. It's compatibility that matters. Find someone to which you are compatible. That's much less pressure.

#01: I Believed I Was A Victim. I believed that I was a victim of my circumstances. This meant that I was always taking a chance when I walked into a relationship. I was opening myself to vulnerability. In my mind, I thought that I would have to close my eyes and wish for the best-that he didn't hurt me, that he would stay around, that he would be good to me. This wasn't the case. I create my life and it's circumstances through the decisions I make. No one can do anything to me that I don't first allow them to do. I am not a victim. I am actually a victor, in charge of where I am romantically and otherwise.

This very last belief (#01: I Believed I Was A Victim) was the most crippling belief for me. It amazingly created all of the other beliefs. Ironically, changing that same ONE belief initiated my journey to creating a woman deserving of a healthy, long-term, and loyal relationship with someone compatible. I began with asking one question,

If I weren't a victim, and was in control of my own romantic destiny, then why was I still super single?

This question lead to the twenty-four answers above, or simply stated-confessions. And to answer the question that I know you are thinking, yes, I slowly took my own advice and am now very happy-with an abundant love, not just for my fiance, but for myself. If I had to leave my single black girlfriends with one piece of advice, it would be in the quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change." If there is something (or someone) in your life that is consistently failing you, first try looking within. You may find that a simple change within can change the entire world around you-including your romantic life. Start today...



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