Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Relationship Improvement Separate Realities

Separate Realities

Norwegians decorate for Christmas in a big way. Christmas curtains hang in the kitchen, Nisse (Christmas Elves) adorn tables and corners of the room. It's a celebration filled with color and anticipation.

During my first Norwegian Christmas I recall commenting on a decorated Christmas tree. Most Americans hang Christmas tree garland horizontally round the tree. Norwegians hang garland vertically, going up and down the tree. Noting this, I commented on the difference to a Norwegian in-law and she retorted "Yes, but we Norwegians hang the garland the correct way."

Her answered left me baffled. I'd given only an observation and it never occurred to me that there could be a "right" or "wrong" way to hang garland.

In the end, it was apparent she felt very strongly about garland hanging. It helps make the point of how we all have separate realities when it comes to opinions about almost everything.

We make it to adulthood with a history of experiences, traditions, and ways of doing things. Often we get stuck in these personal preferences, allowing simple opinions to become "right" or "wrong". In other words, there's a right way to do something, and then there's the other way.

We create problems in our relationship when convince ourselves that the other person "should see things my way" but simply refuses. (After all, your way is "correct").

We develop issues when we believe if we talk long enough the other person will eventually come around to our way of thinking (which, once again is the "right" way to think.)

This is a waste of time and very harmful to your couple. Coming from separate realities means we see things differently and for the most part, we will always see things differently.

My oldest daughter was born a month early and had a serious case of colic. She screamed and cried for hours, day and night. I was beside myself trying to comfort her. For hours I would rock her, swing her, take her for rides in the stroller. Her father believed she should be left to "cry it out."

We completely disagreed. When I cited books and articles that countered his opinion, he told me the experts were wrong. No amount of convincing changed his mind. He'd grown up in an environment that supported his opinion and that was that.

Attempting to convince him was futile. Frustrated, I began to consider sinister reasons he might not want to comfort our crying baby. "He's just selfish and he doesn't want to be bothered." I'd sneer. I demonized his attitude towards our child. Despite the issues in our marriage, he didn't deserve that.

Disagreeing with each other becomes destructive when you go beyond the issue demonize the way you see one another. A wife who consistently comes home late from the office becomes "selfish and thoughtless."

Is this the truth or just a story made up to boost the disappointment and hurt the husband feels? What else could be true?

Perhaps the wife has poor time management skills. Or she may have difficultly saying "no" to co-workers who want time from her. Indeed, she may very well be selfish and thoughtless but this shouldn't be a "go-to" response in a healthy relationship.

Your couple will face many decisions over the home building process. You will butt heads and wonder why your partner is so stubborn when the "right" decision is so obvious to you.

When this happens, remember you come from separate realities. As bothersome as that can be at times, it also breathes life into your couple.

Variety of background and opinions give us a spark that lights a fire. Being a couple is very hot stuff, whether you like it or not.

The above is a chapter from my new book.

"Couples Under Construction; how to strengthen your relationship while you build your dream home"

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