Are you walking on eggshells with your spouse? This is a description of feeling in danger and being vigilant not to stir up trouble. But why does it happen.
Put simply, your brain is much better at war than at love.
The fact is that, your brain can work against you in your relationship! If you are in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells, your brain is likely in a warring state- constant vigil. This is exhausting. A brain primed for war is very definitely not good for a loving relationship.
Here is the reason I believe your brain may not be your friend when it comes to your relationship.
Our brains are hard-wired with automatic protective mechanisms that operate and circumvent higher activities, including relationship activities.
Let's look at an example of this:
Say you live in the mountains, in an area with many mountain lions. After very few experiences (probably only one) of being in danger- confronted by a hungry mountain lion, you would react to future mountain lion threats.
The brain has a very effective alarm system that very rapidly reacts to danger situations. For your own protection, the alarms in your brain operate so fast that you don't have time to think. This is called the fight/flight reaction. Every second or minute spent thinking and analyzing is one step closer to being some lions' lunch. Your lightening fast alarm system says simply- LION! RUN! Or, if you are a warrior/hunter, "LION! KILL IT! FIGHT"
The alarm system in your brain (the limbic system) is largely unconscious and it operates many times faster than the conscious, thinking part of the brain. When the alarms go off, essentially the higher brain, the "thinking" part goes off line and you are all protective reaction.
The fast acting emotion "alarm system" overpowers your ability to think. Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, calls this an "emotional hijack." Generally, he is talking about how the fight or flight emotions can take you over and cause you to lose control of yourself when it is not appropriate to do so. Since contemplation is the last thing needed in a life and death situation, planning, calculating, thinking stops. The amount of time that it takes to think could be the amount of time it takes to be eaten. It is just makes more sense to err on the side of "it's dangerous" than "it's not dangerous".
Most of us don't live with lions present in our daily environment, so having a fast acting alarm system is not really so adaptive to our current life. Being primed for war is great if there are dangers around every corner. But in our daily life, threats are not so plentiful (however, this is one of the problems with soldiers who have spent time in warring villages and towns, they get use to normal looking living areas having life threatening dangers at every turn).
Actually in most normal everyday situations, it is not appropriate to have your emotions hijacked. What is highly effective when living in mountain lion territory is not so adaptive when living in hometown, USA with your family. Having a hair trigger alarm system can really get in the way in your relationships.
For couples who argue a lot, they may begin to feel that their spouse is dangerous (not necessarily physical) the feeling that you must be careful or "something bad will happen" or that they are "walking on eggshells." Walking on eggshells is an example of a chronic danger response.
However, it could play out as a less apparent experience- perhaps just a desire to avoid an argument, or for some people, a chronic feeling that something is "off." It may not be clear why a certain look by your wife might trigger a danger response or why a dismissive statement by your husband could trigger the alarm. There are many possibilities as to what may trigger your danger response.
If you or your spouse a triggering a danger response in the other, this is a sign of serious problems that need to be addressed. When a couple in trouble begins to trigger these responses in each other- they tend to increase in frequency. The brain says "danger is increasing in these parts- be on the lookout." The relationship begins to degrade and no longer holds the couple together. This is where one or the other may "fall out of love." The reality is that the couple feels unsafe, insecure and wounded by the repeating hurtful reactions.
If this lasts too long, it can severely damage a long-term relationship.
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